Partners In Crime
by KiRsTinYa vALenTiNe
Summary: Daria breaks into Jane's room to retrieve her journal. Tom distracts Jane. Hilarity ensues.


|Top of Form 1 | |Bottom of Form 1 |  
  
SCENE:  
  
DARIA'S ROOM. DARIA IS SITTING AT HER COMPUTER WORKING ON SOMETHING. ALL SEEMS PEACEFUL AND QUIET. SUDDENLY, JANE BARGES IN WITH AN ARMLOAD OF BOOKS.  
  
Jane: (a bit too loudly) Yo!  
  
Daria: (startled) Ah!  
  
Jane: Whoops. Didn't mean to scare ya.  
  
Daria: Hmmm. Sure you didn't. (goes back to computer work) So what did I do to deserve your presence gracing mine this fine day?  
  
Jane: Being a brain, that's what.  
  
Daria: Gee, thanks. So what fabulous prize has my braininess won me this time? I hope it's a pony.  
  
Jane: Even better. You get to help me with my history and my chemistry and a whole bunch of other stuff and I know it's all really overwhelming and junk, so I'm just gonna copy your Pre-Cal.  
  
Daria: I'm overcome with joy. But may I say that you're sounding more and more like my sister every day.  
  
Jane: Naw, see if I were like Quinn, you'd be making me pay.  
  
DARIA TURNS AROUND TO FACE JANE, GRINNING EVILY. JANE'S EYES WIDEN WITH AN "OOPS" EXPRESSION.  
  
Jane: (hastily) But then if I were like Quinn, I'd also be running around in tight bootcut jeans and a pink halter, coordinating my lip-gloss with my platform shoes. (raises an eyebrow and smirks) And Daria, you know I have no shame.  
  
Daria: Shut up, Lane. I'm not gonna make you pay.  
  
Jane: Goodie!  
  
JANE CROSSES THE ROOM AND DROPS THE ARMLOAD OF BOOKS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO DARIA'S BED. SHE TAKES A SEAT AND FLIPS ON THE TV WITH THE REMOTE.  
  
Daria: Sooooo... When are we gonna hit the books?  
  
Jane: Eh, probably later.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
TWO HOURS LATER, STILL IN DARIA'S ROOM. DARIA IS STILL WORKING AT THE COMPUTER. JANE IS LAYING ON DARIA'S BED SIDEWAYS FROM THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LAY. HER FEET ARE PROPPED UP AGAINST THE WALL AND HER HEAD IS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. Y'KNOW, THE UPSIDE DOWN EFFECT THING. FAINT SOUNDS CAN BE HEARD FROM THE TV. JANE STILL HAS THE REMOTE IN HER HAND AND IS FLIPPING CHANNELS.  
  
Jane: (flipping) Stupid..Stupid..Boring..Stupid..Ewwww..Not even gonna comment..Boring..Stupid..  
  
Daria: Damn kids. Can't keep 'em entertained.  
  
Jane: Damn TV. Can't keep me entertained.  
  
JANE TURNS OFF THE TV AND TOSSES THE REMOTE ONTO THE FLOOR. SHE LETS OUT A LONG, BORED SIGH AND LOOKS AT DARIA, EXPECTING HER TO LEAP UP AND DO SOMETHING ENTERTAINING. DARIA IGNORES HER AND CONTINUES TYPING. JANE LETS OUT ANOTHER LONG, BORED SIGH. AGAIN, DARIA IGNORES HER. JANE ROLLS OVER SO THAT SHE IS NO LONGER UPSIDE DOWN. SHE CROSSES HER LEGS AND BEGINS TRACING HER FINGER ALONG THE CARPET. THEN, FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON AT ALL, SHE REACHES HER HAND UNDER DARIA'S BED. SHE PULLS OUT A LEATHER-BOUND JOURNAL.  
  
Jane: (holding up the journal) Hey, what's this?  
  
Daria: (still looking at the computer screen) Why, that's your hand, Jane. You use it to pick up things. Y'know, like boxes and spoons and my remote you threw in the floor.  
  
Jane: (raises an eyebrow) Really? Then what part of my anatomy would I use to strangle a smart-ass?  
  
DARIA TURNS AROUND TO FACE JANE. SHE SEES THE JOURNAL IN HER HAND. HER EYES WIDEN.  
  
Daria: NO!!!  
  
THIS STARTLES JANE AND SHE DROPS THE JOURNAL. WE SEE A CLOSE UP OF THE JOURNAL FALLING ON TOP OF THE STACK OF JANE'S TEXTBOOKS. OF COURSE, NIETHER OF THEM NOTICE THIS.  
  
Jane: Whoa! Don't freak out. I would never read your diary.  
  
Daria: (skeptical) Is that so?  
  
Jane: Well.. Not with you in the same room, anyway.  
  
Daria: (sarcastically) Jane Lane: A friend you can count on and trust.  
  
Jane: Rest assured, Daria. As long as you keep that thing more than three feet away from me, you have nothing to worry about.  
  
Daria: (still sarcastically) Thanks Jane. I'll be sure not to lose any sleep over that.  
  
Jane: (yawns) Yeah. Well, speaking of sleep, I'm getting kinda tired. I think I'll go home and go to bed. Screw the study date.  
  
Daria: You get my hopes up and then you leave me all alone. You heartbreaker you.  
  
JANE BENDS DOWN AND SCOOPS UP HER BOOKS, DARIA'S JOURNAL INCLUDED. OF COURSE, SHE IS OBLIVIOUS TO THIS.  
  
Jane: I'll be sure to fit you into my agenda sometime. We'll do lunch.  
  
Daria: I'm looking forward to it already.  
  
Jane: Oh, you little people. So hum-drum. (walks toward the door) Chao.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
SCENE:  
  
DARIA'S ROOM THE NEXT DAY. TOM IS SITTING AT DARIA'S COMPUTER THIS TIME, PLAYING MINESWEEPER. DARIA IS SEARCHING UNDER HER BED. ALL WE SEE IS HER LEGS.  
  
Tom: Damn mine.  
  
Daria: Oh no.  
  
Tom: I know. These mines are everywhere.  
  
Daria: (obviously upset) Oh no. (gets out from under the bed and starts frantically searching under her pillow and mattress and amongst other places) Oh no.  
  
Tom: What?  
  
Daria: My journal. Its gone. (runs over to her dresser and starts searching the drawers)  
  
Tom: Maybe it was Quinn. Y'know. Searching for blackmale.  
  
Daria: No, Quinn never comes in here.  
  
Tom: What about your parents? They're kinda.. You know.  
  
Daria: Yeah, it had to have been them. Unless..  
  
Tom: Unless what?  
  
Daria: Dammit Jane!  
  
Tom: Jane took your journal? Why would she do that?  
  
Daria: It probably wasn't on purpose.  
  
Tom: Hey, don't worry about it. Jane wouldn't read your.. (trails off) Well, she might.  
  
Daria: We have to go get it. She probably hasn't even noticed she has it. She would have stopped by or called. That is, after she'd had the opportunity to read a few excerpts.  
  
Tom: I don't really feel like making the trip. Can't you just call her and_____  
  
Daria: (cuts him off) No. I can't let her know she has it. Anyway, she's probably out running right now.  
  
Tom: So, I guess now's the best time to break into her room and retrieve you're deepest, darkest secrets.  
  
Daria: That's right. Now, step on another damn mine and let's go.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
SCENE:  
  
OUTSIDE THE LANE RESIDENCE. DARIA AND TOM ARE AT THE DOORSTEP. DARIA RINGS THE DOORBELL. NO ONE ANSWERS. SHE RINGS IT AGAIN. NO ONE ANSWERS. CUT TO SHOW TRENT IN HIS ROOM SLEEPING. CUT BACK TO DARIA AND TOM.  
  
Tom: Looks like Trent's snoozing.  
  
Daria: And Jane isn't here. (she twists the doorknob to find that the door is unlocked. They both walk inside the house.)  
  
Tom: Would this be considered breaking and entering?  
  
Daria: No. The door's unlocked. No breaking involved.  
  
Tom: Well, just go on up there and get your journal and let's leave. I don't want to be here when Jane shows up. She can be creepy and violent.  
  
Daria: Having a dating flashback?  
  
Tom: I'm serious. She once lashed out at me for stepping on her toe. And another time because I was sending out bad vibes and messing up her artistic concentration or something. I was just sitting there. She made me leave. And then there was that time I ate all her gummi bears.  
  
Daria: Okay, okay. Just stay here. I'll be quick. (she begins making her way up the steps) Oh, and if Satan herself does so happen to show up, distract her and I'll crawl out the window or something. She has this thing about her room.  
  
Tom: Just hurry up, okay.  
  
DARIA DISAPPEARS INTO THE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY. TOM STANDS IN THE LIVING ROOM AND WAITS. SUDDENLY, JANE WALKS IN THE DOOR. SHE HAS BEEN RUNNING. SHE'S WEARING A BLACK WIFE BEATER AND SHORTS AND HER HAIR IS PULLED BACK INTO A PONY TAIL. SHE LOOKS UP AND SEES TOM, WHO HAS HIS BACK TURNED TO HER. SHE LOOKS A BIT FRIGHTENED BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZE HIM.  
  
Jane: (frightened) You stay away from me, I can kick your ass!!!  
  
TOM SWINGS AROUND AT HER OUTBURST. HE LOOKS TWICE AS FRIGHTENED  
  
Tom: Ah!  
  
Jane: Tom?  
  
Tom: (yelling so that Daria can hear upstairs) Oh, Jane! It's you! Look who it is, it's Jane!  
  
CUT TO SHOW DARIA RUMMAGING THROUGH JANE'S STUFF. WE HEAR TOM'S VO. HER EYES WIDEN.  
  
Daria: Aw, hell.  
  
CUT BACK TO JANE AND TOM  
  
Jane: (raises an eyebrow, obviously confused) What're you doing here?  
  
Tom: I'm. ummm.  
  
Jane: (her expression turns from confused to a bit angry) You're.?  
  
WE NOW SEE JANE FROM TOM'S POINT OF VIEW. HER EYES TURN FROM BLUE TO RED AND BOUTS OF FIRE SHOOT UP ALL AROUND HER.  
  
Jane: Well?  
  
Tom: I'm. uh. waiting for you!  
  
Jane: Waiting for me? Why?  
  
Tom: I.. Have to tell you something.  
  
Jane: Me? What?  
  
Tom: I... Don't know?  
  
Jane: (irritated) Okay, Tom. Thanks for stopping by. You know you're way out. (she begins to make her way up the stairs)  
  
Tom: No, no. I really have to tell you something.  
  
Jane: (still walking up the steps) Bye, Tom.  
  
Tom: Really! (he runs up the steps and blocks her. She pushes past him.)  
  
Jane: Uh-huh.  
  
Tom: Seriously! I'm. er..um. GAY! (cringes regretably)  
  
Jane: (swings around) You're what?!  
  
Tom thought VO: (sarcastically) Smooth one, Tom.  
  
CUT TO SHOW DARIA IN JANE'S ROOM. SHE OVERHEARD ALL OF THIS  
  
Daria: Smooth one, Tom.  
  
CUT BACK TO JANE AND TOM.  
  
Jane: (making her way back down the stairs) What did you say you were?  
  
Tom: Ummm, gay?  
  
Jane: Really?  
  
Tom: (sighs and decides to just go along with it) Yes, it's true.  
  
Jane: Wow. I mean, I always sort of sensed it, but I never really thought it was true.  
  
Tom: (looks a bit angry) Oh, you were on to it.  
  
Jane: (smiles) Oh, Thomas. Who wasn't?  
  
Tom: (looks a bit angrier) Hmmmm  
  
Jane: But why are you telling me this?  
  
Tom: Well... ummm..  
  
Jane: Oh, I get it. You need to talk to me because you're scared to tell Daria. Don't want to hurt her.  
  
Tom: O.. Kay...  
  
Jane: (grabs Tom by the arm and drags him toward the sofa) C'mon. Tell me all about it.  
  
CUT TO SHOW DARIA IN JANE'S ROOM. SHE'S FOUND HER JOURNAL, AND NOW SHE'S TRYING TO OPEN THE WINDOW. IT WON'T BUDGE.  
  
Daria: Dammit.  
  
TRENT WALKS BY THE BEDROOM DOOR.  
  
Trent: Hey, Daria.  
  
Daria: (swings around, startled) Trent!  
  
Trent: Whatcha doing?  
  
Daria: Um, nothing.  
  
Trent: Where's Janey?  
  
Daria: Ummm.  
  
Trent: Is Janey even here?  
  
Daria: (uncharacteristically nervous) Of course.  
  
Trent: Well then, I gotta go ask her if she's got any crazy glue. The hubcap's falling off the Tank again. (begins to walk away)  
  
Daria: Wait, Trent!  
  
Trent: Yeah?  
  
Daria: Just stay here.  
  
Trent: Why? What's going on? Why isn't Janey in here with you?  
  
Daria: Um. hide and seek.  
  
Trent: Oh. Then why were you standing here in plain sight?  
  
Daria: Jane's a really bad seeker. Here, hide with me.  
  
Trent: I didn't know you guys were still into this kid stuff.  
  
Daria: We believe it's important to stay young at heart.  
  
Trent: (takes a seat on the floor) You guys are weird.  
  
CUT TO SHOW JANE AND TOM AGAIN. THEY ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM. TOM IS SPRAWLED OUT ON THE COUCH AND JANE IS SITTING IN A NEARBY CHAIR. TOM LOOKS A BIT DISTRAUT AND JANE HAS A CLIPBOARD AND IS NOW WEARING SMALL, DARK RIMMED READING GLASSES THAT SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T NEED.  
  
Jane: (writing something on her clipboard) . Uh-huh. And how did that make you feel?  
  
Tom: (seriously) I don't know. It was confusing. I wasn't sure of my own identity, so I just kinda made one up. It's just now surfaced again and I feel like I've been lying to myself all this time.  
  
AS TOM SPEAKS THE CAMERA CUTS TO A SHOT OF THE BACK TO JANE'S HEAD. WE CAN SEE HER CLIPBOARD, WHICH HAS A DRAWING OF A SUNSHINE AND SEVERAL BALLOONS. IT'S A RATHER CHILDISH PICTURE, EXCEPT ONE OF THE FLOATING BALLOONS IS IN THE LIKENESS OF TOM'S HEAD.  
  
Jane: Hmmm, so you discovered this long ago?  
  
Tom: Yeah, I guess.  
  
Jane: I see. So have you ever fantisized about another man.  
  
Tom: Umm.  
  
Jane: Nevermind. Tell me, are you fearful of you're loved ones' reactions?  
  
Tom: I guess. Maybe a little.  
  
Jane: Who, in particular?  
  
Tom: (breaks down) Everyone! The whole damn world!  
  
Jane: (flatly) There, there.  
  
CUT TO SHOW DARIA AND TRENT. THEY ARE JUST SITTING AROUND IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.  
  
Trent: (checking his watch) Wow. Janey really is a bad seeker.  
  
Tom VO from downstairs: I can't do this anymore! I keep up this image of what I'm supposedly supposed to be! Everyone's hounding me! They always will! I can't be who I really am!  
  
Jane VO: That's right! Let it out. If you're gay then you're gay. It's your identity and nobody else's.  
  
Trent: (getting up) What's going on down there?  
  
Daria: (gets up, too) I give up.  
  
CUT TO SHOW JANE AND TOM. TOM HAS HIS FACE BURIED IN HIS HANDS. JANE IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM PATTING HIM ON THE BACK. SHE IS STILL WEARING HER SHRINK GLASSES AND HAS THE CLIPBOARD IN HER LAP. DARIA AND TRENT ENTER THE ROOM.  
  
Jane: Daria? When did you get here?  
  
Daria: I____  
  
Jane: (cuts her off) No matter. Tom has something he needs to say to you. (she nudges Tom)  
  
TOM LOOKS UP AT DARIA. HIS EYES ARE WIDE WITH EMBARRASSMENT. HE STUTTERS WITH A FEW INAUDIBLE WORDS AND THEN GETS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE. WE THEN HEAR A CAR SCREECHING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY AND SPEEDING OFF. THE REMAINING THREE ARE SILENT FOR A MOMENT.  
  
Trent: (breaking the silence) You guys are weird. (walks away)  
  
Daria: Do I want to know the whole story?  
  
Jane: Probably not. Anyway, you'll find out eventually. Just give him time. Young Thomas will come around. He's just got a lot of stuff to sort through. After all, he's been living a lie. Either that, or I'm very persuasive.  
  
Daria: Hmmm. Okay, now I feel like I need to know.  
  
Jane: Well okay. We can discuss it over pizza.  
  
Daria: Okay. I'll buy since I broke into your house and everything.  
  
Jane: Or, we could catch up with Tom and buy the whole the place. He owes me big for one intense therapy session.  
  
THE END. ROLL ALTER EGOS.  
  
Daria as a Hula Dancer  
  
Jane as Medusa with a stone Upchuck in the background  
  
Tom as Speed Racer  
  
Trent and Tom as the two brothers from Night at the Roxbury  
  
*****This is a disclaimer saying that Daria and all related characters are property of MTV********** 


End file.
